I hope you all enjoyed the long weekend, I sure did… maybe a little too much, hence the late update.
but don’t worry, I have been busy with it.
Brendan replied to the fill in the gaps and did it better than I could possibly fathom!
If you guys didn’t read it, you might want to go back and check it out!
The idea was about a Phoenix who was setting the earth on fire and got help from an abominable snowman. The phoenix said thanks by lighting up the clouds with the pink orange color. 
Great job! Seriously. That could be a Disney movie. It actually inspired me to write lyrics on the spot! Originally I wanted to mix all the stories together.. but obviously that was an insane idea…I don’t know how that could have worked. I hope you guys don’t mind.
So the mission for you guys, is to read the lyrics below and make your comments, what do you like, what do you not like. Pick it apart and suggest edits. I would really like to know what you think of this first draft. ALSO WE NEED A TITLE!
EDITED: 13th of June
cracked from an egg on the ground,
little bird didnt know how to fly
with no one around,
he relied on himself, to just get by
and when the sun goes down,
his light, starts to shine.
when the darks around,
he started to glow,
just to kill time.
When he was all grown up he, bacame quite sad,
the light in his heart, set fire
to the sea and the land.
everything he touched he, turned to flame.
was tired of being so lonley
and full of shame
I want to be, some place away from me.
and i dont know why, God is doing this to me.
——
rolled from a ball in the snow,
little monkey was really cold,
and with no place to go.
he built an igloe.
and when the sun went down.
monkey saw a faint glow,
in a land far far away,
from what he called his home..
I want to be, some place away from me.
and i dont know why, I have to be so lonely
——-
the monkey decided to go to the glow,
saw every thing on fire,
and put it out with his snow.
he saw a big bird, who was really sad.
and said, whats the matter with you bird.
your life cant be that bad.
bird, turned around and said you dont understand.
Im the one who set fire to everything in this land.
monkey knew what to do, and said “Bird follow me”.
I’ll take you to a place far above the trees.
and as they made their way to the mountain top,
they became best friends and the talking didnt stop.
——–
up on the cliff monkey said this might get rough,
and as the bird turned around, monkey pushed him
right off.
and as bird spiraled down, he was quite angry.
as he flapped his fire wings,
he began to feel free
i know now, who i was meant to be,
and i light up the clouds for snow monkey.
when your in trouble look towards the sky
and remember that there is always a snow monkey near by
All right thats it for now. Quite a long song eh?
Once again feel free to email me at music(at)adamhoek(dot)com if you feel the need.
I’m going to start working on the music.
-Adam
So Adam!
What a very nice fairytale, indeed!
So here and there are too much words and too much explanation (is that a word?)
today I have a busy day…
but I promise to give you feedback soon!
I think it’s lovely so far…
Groeten Marjon.
I agree Marjon, thanks. I look forward to hearing what you have to say!
Hey Adam!
I’m so glad you liked my idea! You’ve put into lyrics exactly what I was trying to say!
My suggestion for a title would be “Fireclouds”
Hai Adam, nice fairy tale
what do you think of: “the tale of two unlikely friends” or just “two unlikely friends” for the TITLE?
And some alterations in the text (org.in brackets):
cracked from an egg on the ground,
the little bird didnt know how to fly
there was no one around,
had to rely on himself, to just get by
(and when the sun goes down,)
and as the sun went down
the little light in his heart,( it starts) started to shine.
with no lights around,
he learnt how to glow, just to kill time.
just to kill time x2
When he was all grown up, he became quite sad,
because the light in his heart (it) did set fire
to the sea and the land.
everything he touched, (he) turned into flames.
(Thats)What a lonely little life with no friends
he was tired of 1 player games
thanks Wil,
I have taken what you said and gone even further.
I have revised the lyrics, you can see the updated version above.
I don’t associate monkey with the abominable snowman much. ‘Monkey’ to me suggests it to be a small animal. You could use ‘ape’ instead, which suggests a larger creature.
But why not use Yeti? It’s short and most people will know what you mean by it. Of course using it depends on how explicit you want the story to be as it is quite nice to never name the bird a phoenix it makes people understand in a nice way.
Then there is this ‘god is doing this to me’-thing. There’s God, while a phoenix is a mythological creature, I don’t quite understand the link between the two here, and I’ve read my share of myths and legends.
Personally I would avoid using the word God at all and replace
‘God is doing this to me’ with ‘this is a punishment’ or ‘for what am I punished?’ something along that line.
So, that’s just some thoughts that came to mind. I hope you find it helpful.
Thanks Eline.
I thought ape would be fun too. but a snow monkey sounds cuter to me 😀
I agree with the whole God thing though. I’ll have to get on that.
thanks for your input! It will make the song better!